Baby Carlson: Final Update

Last week, on February 12, we met our baby girl. Her name was already chosen- Zuri Rose Carlson. She was beautiful, perfect, and loved in every way. The sad part about her arrival was that it was too soon. She was born at 22 weeks and 1 day gestation. She went to be with her Heavenly Father a few minutes after her birth. Oh friends, I can't tell you how difficult that day was.

Derek and I had a chance to hold her, marvel at her, and tell her over and over how much we love her. Derek sang to her. Both of our parents got to hold her. We didn't let Toby see her because he's still so young and wouldn't understand. But in his own way, he knows that something has changed in the dynamic of his home. He has pointed to my belly and asked "baby?"; I don't know what to tell him, so I just shift his focus elsewhere.

Yesterday we held a small burial service for Zuri, with families by our sides. I know it's not "goodbye", but rather "see you later". When you're a mother you don't want to say either to your child, not in that way; especially when they haven't had a chance to live.

We have been surrounded by so much love and support, literally we've had an army of prayer warriors behind us from coast to coast. God is so good, it's amazing. Even in the midst of this difficult time, He had been faithful to answer our prayers, make His peaceful presence known, and surround us with so much love.

I won't lie, I'm struggling. My faith is still strong, but my heart is broken. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through so far in my small blip of a life. I know in my heart that my baby is where my own heart ultimately longs to be, and I'll get to see her again one day. My body doesn't know that my baby is gone; My milk came in and now my chest hurts almost as much as my heart (By the way, if anyone has any tips on how to speed up this horrid process of drying up milk, please feel free to send them my way). My hormones are in nurture mode, because they think I should be caring for a newborn. I'm so thankful that I have Toby, I'm trying hard to shower him with the extra mom-juice I have.

I started composing a post with the story of what happened. I'll post it soon. For now, dear friends all I can say is that it's so important to let those that we love, know that we love them. Parents, hold your little ones more. Slobber them with kisses. Be blessed, and stay strong in the Lord.