This Mother's Heart

I'm not quite ready to share the whole story of the events leading up to Zuri's passing. It's difficult to relive those moments and there's just so much that happened; it's taking me a while to to write the whole thing down. 

I didn't want to stay away from this blog for too long. But with this loss still so fresh in my life it's hard to think about much else. So instead of avoiding this blog, I'm here, sharing my heart. 

The mourning/grieving process is really hard. Most of the time I just feel... sad. And broken. My heart is broken. I miss my baby girl so much. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold her again. In some of the paperwork the hospital gave me they said that experiencing "phantom cries" is common. I hear phantom cries and even feel phantom kicks, like my body doesn't always remember that I'm not pregnant anymore.

There is a blessing that a Rabbi sent to my mom that is sometimes said whenever there is a miscarriage or loss of a little one. At Zuri's burial service a dear friend of our family said this blessing. It completely sums up the feelings:

God, we are weary and grieved. We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies. Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. We are saddened and we are angry. We weep and we mourn. Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be. Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care. Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss. Barukh Attah Adonai, zokher y'tzurav l'chayim b'rachamim (Blessed are You, Eternal our God, whose compassion renews us unto life)

My body feels broken. I'm not in any pain, but as a woman I'm supposed to be able to to build and sustain new life. In less than a year my body has failed to do that- twice. I can't help but feel like my body failed me, that there's something wrong with me, that I'm broken.

They say that guilt is a part of the grieving process. I definitely am struggling with guilt.

It's hard to say if my spirit is broken. As I mentioned before, my faith is still strong. I know I won't feel like this forever. I know that God still has a plan for my life and He will see me through this storm. I guess I'd say my spirit is shaken. I'm trying so hard to cling to God, trying to let Him carry me.

From my past I know that it doesn't do any good for me to ask "why". Asking "why" makes me angry. I know that He can handle my anger, that anger is a natural emotion, but I don't want to go down a path that I've been down before. A path that just makes me want to run away from Him. Without Him, I'm not going to be able to weather this storm, I know it. Something I once had to ask myself about asking "why" was this:
"if you got an answer to all the 'why's', would it make a difference?"
No, it wouldn't make a difference. It would just make me angrier. So I'm avoiding the "why's" and instead, bringing before the Lord all my feelings of misunderstanding and confusion. That song that says "You make beautiful things/ You make beautiful things out of the dust" comes to mind. I hope that God can make something beautiful out of this dusty, difficult situation.

There is so much love and support surrounding me, so I don't feel alone. Just, a little disconnected. They say that grief takes time. Sometimes I wonder how much time. But I don't want to "despise the day of small beginnings" (Zech. 4:10). I'm clinging to the hope that this journey will be bring me closer to the Lord, and His perfect plan.