Grief: What I Never Knew About it (and wish I never did)

It's been a month since we said goodbye to Zuri. I'm sure it goes without saying that it's been really hard. There are days where my eyes are free from tears; but for every one day I that don't cry, there are at least five days that follow where I cry almost all day.

Grief is a part of life, I get that. But people, let's just call a spade a spade: grief sucks. It's import to grieve, hiding things isn't healthy. There are just so many feelings that intertwine with each other in ways that seem so impossible, sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind. I've had breakdowns, meltdowns, and generally been feeling down. But God is good, He is faithful to surround me with family and friends that are patient with me and offer gentle encouragement.

I never thought that grief would be something to endure, I guess I always blindly assumed that it was just a feeling that eventually went away. Instead, it's a process that is unique to each individual and manifests itself differently, according to the person going through it. Some people need lots of time while others may not require as much time. I'm still in the midst of things, but this is just what I've observed.

I also never considered that grief is a time that can make us weak and offer an opportunity for the adversary to mess with our minds. Just like Job's friends told him to curse God and die, the enemy wants us to believe lies that can come in the form of guilt, blame, and anger. Yes, those are all normal feelings during a time of mourning and grieving, but it is possible for us to expand on those thoughts and grab hold of them as truth, when they are really lies that can pull us away from The One who can bring us healing. I've fallen victim to those lies; but again, God is good and has provided wonderful people to show me otherwise, pray for me, and help me pray for myself. Being covered in prayer is vital to this process.

The most eye-opening revelation was an memory God reminded me of:

I remember a time when I was young, maybe 11 or 12 years old. I had burnt my finger somehow, I can't recall how. It hurt a lot, so I put some ice on it like your supposed to do. I remember that it hurt so much whenever I took the ice off of the burn. All day I kept replacing melting ice cubes, fearing the pain that would come if I didn't keep ice on the wound. Eventually, my mom told me that I would have to take the ice off; it would hurt for a while, but then the pain would be over and I could keep going with my day. Somehow I finally mustered up the courage to take the ice cube off and just let the sting settle in. It hurt, I think I passed out and fell asleep, overwhelmed with the pain. But then I woke up, and the pain was gone.

I don't think that things will work out exactly the same. But what God has shown me about my grieving process is that I'm going to have to the let hurt just, well, hurt and let Him carry me through it. I have to allow the pain to be present because that's when I will be the most vulnerable and willing to let His plan take place. Being willing to let things happen is hard, because it means that I'll be taking the next step on this journey, moving forward; moving forward means accepting what has happened, and to be honest I don't want to accept it. Acceptance is like saying I'm okay with what's happened, and I'm not okay with it. 

But beyond being okay with things, beyond all else, I want to let God's plan for my life take place. I'm okay with God's plan. I want what He wants for my life. If going through this difficult situation brings me one step closer to living in line with the Lord's plan for my life, than that's okay. 

There's a balance that I'm praying will come peacefully. The balance of living life with those that I care about here, while simultaneously missing and loving one who is gone. 

In this technological age we can search for an answer to anything at any time. I've done so many google searches for "moving forward after infant loss" and any other related topic. I've tried to find the answer to how other parents have gone on living in the wake of such devastation. You know what? I can't find an exact answer. All the blogs, articles, and forums posts don't have specific answers to the many questions that swirl in my head almost daily: How am I supposed to go on to have another child? What do I do when don't feel like I can relate to my living child and my husband? When will I feel better? How do I go on with life?

There are no answers. No tangible answers, only God's promises found in His Word, His love, and the love and patience of those around me. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm clinging to the hope that one day I'll realize that I'm in a different place from where I am now.