Coasting

credit: Rikka Ayasaki. 

I've been wanting to post for a while but, honestly, I just don't know what to say. So many emotions float in my heart, so many thoughts swirl in my head. Where do I start... I don't even know. Anyways, yes, I'm still here.

Things have been ok, we're all doing well. There are good days, and not so good days. I've had days where I can smile and laugh and that's good; then there are days when I wake up and just can't function. The grieving process is really strange. And it's hard, like really hard.

I keep trying to remind myself that God is still in this, I'm going to grow from all of this… somehow. I cry out to Him often, overcome and weary from the emotions that swell up. I don't know how or when but I have to cling to the hope that He is still present and moving in my life. It's just that sometimes it's difficult when I don't see the purpose for any of the terrible things that have happened. I just don't understand any of it. I want to so desperately but even if I had the answers it wouldn't change the fact that it's very hard to accept the drastic changes that have occurred. I'm trying, trying to keep moving.

I started seeing a counselor to help me process everything. It helps to have someone from the outside offer a different perspective and way of thinking about things. Sometimes it's simple concepts, other times it's things that I might already know but somehow having this person say it hits harder and almost confirms what I don't want to. It's also helpful also because what I didn't consider until recently was that I am a little traumatized from the whole ordeal (I still have yet to post the rest of Zuri's story); sometimes I relive Zuri's birth and death and it rattles me to my core, as if I'm experiencing it again.

This week I've been able to coast, pushing through each day with determination not to fall to pieces. The chunks of time when I'm able to do this are getting longer; but there's an anticipation that it will all be for naught and the really bad day will come and override the previous okay ones and then I'll fee like crap. Again, I'm clinging to God and the hope that this too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

The funny thing about that phrase is that it doesn't mean that whatever difficult situation is at hand will one day be over and it be as though it never happened. It just means that the difficult situation will fade and we'll learn to acclimate to our new life with the after-effects of said situation. I will get through this grieving process but I won't come out on the other side as if my daughter did not die; instead I'll just transition into a new person that copes with constantly missing someone.

It's the feelings of missing. That's the hardest part.

I think I can deal with the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the frustration, the denial. I can go through the steps to process and move forward from those feelings. What I can never get away from is how much I miss Zuri.

It's a difficult choice that I make daily, but I'm choosing to continue to honor God and trust in His plan. I'm terrified at what might lie ahead now that I've tasted what truly trusting God means, but I'm trying.

                                                                               *****

I'm going to keep blogging here, but I think it's only fair to let you all know now that a lot of it will consist of this journey. There will be posts about other things, I really do have big plans for this lil 'ole blog; but this experience is now part of who I am and I don't want to hide. Blogging is one way to share with others about dealing with the loss of a child. One thing I've noticed as a bereaved mother (*sigh* it stings that I'm now in that category) is that as time moves further from the date of an infants loss, people don't know what to say, more so than right after the death. I'm hoping that if I'm brave enough to share the brutally honesty stuff about what goes on inside the head of a mother of loss, maybe it will help others gain insight as to how to help those around them.