The New Carlsons

                                                      credit: Snap Lovely Photography

Last night Derek and I met with a grief counselor. We had been struggling to figure out how to communicate with each other about how we're both dealing with the grieving process. This whole thing has brought us closer together, but still, men and women are just different and it is very apparent in the wake of the loss of a child. Meeting with a counselor together was a big help.

The thing that stood out the most to me was that this process has and will forever change us. Derek and I are still us, but we've already noticed how we view life differently now.

We have to learn to trust God in a new way. Trusting God when you know that it means there might be pain and sorrow- and you've experienced that pain and sorrow- is hard. We have to remember that He did answer our prayers, even if the outcome wasn't what we wanted. Last night I described it as having to trust a person to lead me across a bridge. That person is the only one who can safely lead me to the other side. But, it feels like I've been punched in the face by this person. I can't turn back, there's nothing behind me but an enormous abyss to fall into; so I have no other choice but to let this person continue to lead me across the bride.

The counselor made an awesome observation though; it wasn't that God punched me in the face. We live in a fallen world, and the enemy is always trying to destroy us. It was him who punched me in the face. Now I have to choose to continue to let God lead me, even though He knew that the enemy was going to hurt me; God was still there, and He will comfort me and continue to lead me to safety. If I let Him.

Derek and I are different in how we will view any future pregnancies. For us, it's not ever going to be the same. The joy and anticipation will be replaced with timid, reserved hope and some anxiety. We probably won't be able to fully breathe a sigh of relief until a new little one arrives safely and is healthy. We still rejoice with those who are expecting children of their own, because the scriptures tell us to do that and we want to. It's just going to be different if it happens to us again.

We're different now because not only are we mourning the loss of our daughter, a family member; we are also grieving for all the hopes and dreams we had. The hopes of seeing Toby meet his sibling this year. Hopes of being able to show people pictures of all our kids when we are asked "how many kids do you have?'; instead now we have to learn to discern if we want to give an explanation of how many are here with us, and how many are waiting for us on the other side.

It's hard, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are lots of times when we are angry and frustrated that this is our new normal. But fighting it only makes it worse. Acceptance doesn't come easily and it will take time. I don't know what it will look like but oh how I cannot wait to see what God will do in our lives. He's still in this, even when I don't feel like He is.