The Silence

                                                       credit: Sumeja. found on pinterest

*I know that a lot of people who know me in real life read this blog; I just wanted to clarify that I did not write this post as a jab at anyone personally. I have been blessed with lots of support as I go through this journey. Not everyone is as fortunate as me. Life after the loss of a child can be a bit of a taboo subject in our society. This particular post was on my heart and I wanted to share my thoughts in the hopes that it will help others out there*


"People don't know what to say".

I cannot tell you how much I've heard this and have said it myself. I genuinely believe that people don't know what to say to a parent that is suffering the loss of a child, and I understand what it's like to be at a loss for words when you want to comfort someone who is hurting. It's a delicate situation. Any kind-hearted person wouldn't want to say something to make things worse when a person is already experiencing emotional turmoil. But what should be said? What's the right thing to say? When we can't come up with anything to say we say nothing. 

As someone who has been on the receiving end of the silence I can tell you this- silence is worse than potentially saying the wrong thing. Notice I said "potentially".

Saying nothing says to the bereaved person that the life they lost doesn't matter. Their pain is their own to deal with. Saying nothing discredits the love that the surviving parent has for their child, but they are now struggling with where to put that love because their child is no longer present for them to hold. Saying nothing tells them that you want them to move on with their lives; you have, shouldn't they?

Saying nothing to a parent mourning the loss of their little one says that you don't care. Even if none of the above notions are true, even if people really do care, not acknowledging what a grieving parent is going through can send the opposite message.

It's true, saying the wrong thing can add insult to injury. But for the most part, I think most grieving parents understand that whatever people say is coming from a place of kindness. People want to say things that will be comforting, encouraging, or motivating. So even if it comes out wrong, I think a lot of people will be gracious and at least be touched that someone cared enough to say anything at all. 

I guess that's the point- say anything. The Bible tells us to "rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15).

It's only been a little over three months since Zuri passed away, so I have in no way earned my badge as a grief expert. I've experienced people saying helpful, encouraging things to me. People have said not-so-helpful things to me. And yes, people have said nothing to me. 

If you know someone who is going through the loss of a baby and you want to be there for them, I strongly encourage you to do just that- be there. Drawing upon my own experience, here are few ideas of things to say or do that will hopefully give you a place to start:

- "I'm so sorry". I know it's cliche and it's what everyone says, but seriously- it's a good place to start.

- Send a text letting that person know that you are thinking of them. Sometimes just knowing that you are not forgotten brings a little fresh air to the moment.

- "I wish I could have had the chance to know your little one"

- Go over to their house and just sit with them. In Jewish tradition, it's called Sitting Shiva. 

- Invite them out to lunch. Or, if they are not ready to go out, offer to bring them lunch.

- "I don't know what to say, but I just want you to know that I love you". 

There are lots of books, articles, and other blog posts out there that explain what not to say and other helpful tips for helping friends or loved ones after the loss of a baby. Here are just a few that I came across:

6 Things Never to Say to a Bereaved Parent

What Can I Say To Grieving Parents

How to Help a Friend Survive the First Year After Pregnancy or Infant Loss