credit: Diana Elena Chelaru
It's not getting better. Everyone said and keeps saying that as time goes on it will get better- when is that going to happen? Please, someone tell me. It feels like as time goes on it just gets worse. Maybe once the month of June is over, when the time that I was supposed to deliver a healthy, live, baby goes by; maybe then the hurt will start to feel better.
Tonight, I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of an enormous field that is encircled with thick trees. I have no idea how to get out of this field. But I can hear voices in the distance. Voices that are talking with one another; they are carrying on conversations with each other, laughing together. They are living life. I want to cry out for help but when I open my mouth the sound is so strange and quiet that it gets lost in the sea of voices beyond the circle of trees. I want to leave this field, but I don't know which way to go or even how to walk.
I feel displaced.
For the first time in this journey, I feel alone. Not unsupported, just alone. Isolated. Segregated. Unrelated. I don't know what the word is. I just don't know where I belong.
Is all of this "part of the process"? Is it like acne medicine- does it have to get worse before it gets better? For how long? I know, no one can answer those questions. This process is unique to me and it has to happen the way it's supposed to happen for me. Tonight though, I want all of it to go away. If I'm being super honest I wish none of it had ever happened.
When will I stop feeling overcome by confusion?
God, where are you? I mean, know you're where you are- you're always here- but where are you in all of this mess right now? Why can't I see you? What am I doing wrong? I know that none of this came as a shock to you. I know that you are here. I know that you will bring peace, comfort, meaning. Where is all of that? Can you bring it now? Please. This pain is so real, so deep, sometimes debilitating. You know better than I, but I don't feel like I can handle any of this. To my simple little human mind none of this makes any sense. But you understand. I don't need to know "why", I just want to know what to do now. I'm helpless. Only you can save me. Please save me, save me now.
If what I envisioned wasn't to come to pass, than what am I supposed to be doing? I'm so very tired and weary Lord, you know that. Your Word says that you will give rest to the weary who come to you. I'm here before you. Please give me rest. And give me purpose. Right now it feels like my purpose is just to hurt, but that can't be the life you want for me... right? You came and died for me that I might live and live abundantly- is this what that looks like?
Lord, can you tap into the small ember of hope that is still within me? Please God, show me how to ignite it, before it goes out completely.
God has heard this same prayer from myself recently. I've struggled with my purpose since my daughter died and feeling like I'm alone and not sure how to relate to anyone. Naomi was my first so I was preparing for Mommyhood and joining my friends. Now, I'm a childless Mom.This is journey has been so confusing for me too. I felt like the Lord was providing for us and preparing us to become a family of 3 and then she's gone. I don't understand but I'm choosing the trust. People keep telling me that good will come from this and I keep asking and waiting on the Lord to see some of that good. I think there have been good moments but honestly, having a living child in my arms is what I consider good.
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