Two Years

Two years ago, I saw you. I already knew you; we had shared the previous twenty-two weeks together. I wanted so badly to meet you, but our meeting was premature. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, not in this way; this wasn't how I pictured it at all.

My heart swelled with wonder at the amazing work of God's hands.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Seeing the creation of life paused, stopped short; it was awe-inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. I always valued the sanctity of every life. Seeing you only deepened this belief. Your life mattered, had value, worth, importance.

All of the things I ever wanted to tell a daughter of mine faded away, and the only words that came to my lips were simple:

I love you
I'm so sorry
It's okay baby
I'm here with you
I love you

I knew I had to let go. In a way I already had. I fought for you, for your life. I wanted to be with you so badly. I wanted you to live; to live abundantly, beautifully.

But the plans that we have for our children are not always to be.

We had to part on this side. You had to go beyond the veil. You had to go onward, while I stayed behind.

Oh, how I longed to see what you saw. Though our eyes could not meet on this side, what your eyes first beheld will never compare to the wonders of this earth.

My daughter, I love you so much. Ushering you into Abba's arms was the hardest thing I've done. It's because of how much I love you that letting go was and is so hard. Yes, is.

Two years later and still, everyday I have to let go and accept the physical distance between us; everyday my heart and arms ache from longing to hold you once more.

Two years later and yet every day I praise God that you are with him, securing my chance to see you again one day.

Two years ago, the most beautiful peace entered a room. The peace of your graceful presence. Though your life on this side was brief, it happened. As a fingerprint vaguely lingers, so did your life leave its mark.

And so we said goodbye.

Two years later and I still miss you.

As I watch your big brother and little sister playing in the warm sunlight, I think of you.

A song plays in the background:

Oh death, where is your sting?
A resurrected King has rendered you 
Defeated

Death is defeated, because of God's sacrifice. Because of His sacrifice, I know the tangible distance between us is just temporary. One day all will be right and we'll be together again.

Until then, I will do my best to make you proud. To live how I hoped you would have lived. To love how I would have hoped you would love. Until I can hold you again, I will hold my heart in hands and feel everything that connects me to you, even if it hurts.

Until I can hold you again, I will remember that on this day two years ago, you were born.

Happy Birthday, my sweet and beautiful Zuri Rose Carlson. Mommy loves you.

A dear friend of mine, Kelcey, made this beautiful painting for Zuri.