To Zoe, on Her First Birthday

A little over a week ago Zoe turned one! It's been a bit of a whirlwind around here, so I didn't get around to posting about her special day until now. We got hit with a nasty stomach bug the week of Zoe's birthday (yuck) and in the midst of all the puke and poo I was trying to plan a party for our little gal. We're all much better now and I really wanted to sit down a write a letter to my little squishy girl on her first birthday.

Dear Zoe,

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! It's a little hard to believe that already a year has gone by. People say that time with our children goes by fast and it really is true. I'm so glad I've been able to be with you during this first year and witness how much you've changed in such a short time.

You are amazing, little one. When I look into your eyes I see the fullness of the name that God prompted your Daddy and I to give you- life. Your name means life and you truly have life within you. At the time when the idea came to my mind for your name, I thought it was fitting because of the significance of your arrival; you were the life after loss, the loss of your big sister. And while it certainly is true, I don't think I fully grasped the impact that you and all of the life within you would have on my wounded heart. 

You see God has used all of you, all of my children, to mold me in different ways in different seasons of life. Early on, God used your big brother to show me how much I needed to let go of control over my life and let God's plan be my plan. It was a struggle, and I'm still learning, but it's been freeing. After the two losses of your other siblings, God once again used Toby to help keep me grounded and motivated; for a long time I would put my feet on the floor every day because I knew he needed me. Toby brought so much joy to my heart in a really difficult time. 

And now there is you! God has used you to breathe new life into my heart. I will never forget the first time we met right after you were born. You were so alert! You came out and squealed, looked around and then stayed awake for two hours (looking back I should have known then that I would never sleep again, as that was just the beginning of a challenge to get you to accept that sleep is just a part of life, haha). The time that we spent bonding over the next few days and weeks were so precious to me, so soothing to my heart.

Zoe, you are wonderful. Your laugh is infectious. Your sweet little soft hands beckon me to fill them with my own. Your eyes sparkle with so much zeal. The way you say "ma ma" makes me melt- every time. Watching you and your brother play together, love one another and yes, annoy each other, makes my heart smile. Zoe, I love you so much.

There are so many things I can't wait to experience through your eyes. There are so many things I want to teach you and pass on to you. On this occasion, your first birthday, all I want you to learn is to love who you are. Love all of you, even the little rough edges. God made you just the way you are for a purpose. Never doubt that. Love God, love others, and love yourself.

I love you, my sweet little girl. You are the bee's knee's. 

Love,

Mommy