Current State of the Union

(I can't take any credit for this photo, no matter how much I want to. Found it on Pinterest)

I'm still in the throws of a technological feud with my computer, hence part of the reason for my absence in posting. I'm working on it, for reals. Some other stuff has happened too, keeping me from actually wanting to post.

A couple of weeks ago Derek and I found out that I was pregnant with bebe numero dos. We were super excited and couldn't wait until the right time to tell our families. I found out pretty early, so we wanted to wait a few weeks to make sure we passed the "danger zone".

Sadly, last week I miscarried. It was kind of an emotional roller coaster. On Wednesday I noticed some spotting (I really hope no one is squeamish; I'll try to keep things mild) but I just figured it would go away because I'd experienced the same thing when I was pregnant with Toby. Later that afternoon it got worse and then I started feeling cramping and decided it was time to call the doctor. I talked to the nurse practitioner and she urged me to go to the emergency room because some of my other symptoms were suggesting that it could have been an ectopic pregnancy. I called Derek and told him what was going on, and we made a plan to drop off Toby with my in-laws then go to the hospital. We hadn't told our families yet, so it was probably a lot for them to take in. I called my mom to let her know and asked her to pray.

Derek took me to the hospital where they did some tests. The doctor said that the HCG hormone level was low and diagnosed me as being at risk for a miscarriage; he said that the wild card was if my dates were off in guessing when I got pregnant. I wasn't really sure what I felt like the answer could be. I had hope that if my dates were off, then maybe there as still a chance that the pregnancy could continue and we'd have a healthy baby in a few months. But the signs were all there that things weren't right and I think deep down I knew it was over, but I didn't want to let go until I knew for sure.

The next day I went to have the HCG level retested. The waiting is brutal. Thursday was such a long day of doing nothing (the ER doc advised that I just rest, in case I was still pregnant) and basically just praying. On Friday Derek and I went to my OB to follow-up, and my mom was wonderful enough to come for extra support. The results confirmed that I had miscarried. The doctor said that because it was so early (I was about 5 weeks) there's really no way to know what caused the miscarriage. She said that it was my body doing what it needed to do because there something that just wasn't forming right with the baby. She recommended that we wait at least three months before trying for another baby, and everything else looks well enough that I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy.

So...yeah.

I haven't had a huge meltdown or anything. Yet. I hope I don't. I know it's okay to grieve, which I think I'm doing but I'm not really sure. This is probably the closest encounter with death that I've experienced, but it's a different kind of death. It is a loss of a life but I hadn't met that life, and yet in some mysterious way I know I felt connected to it.

When I was pregnant with Toby there was a situation where I thought I might have been miscarrying. In that instance it's not that I wanted to have that happen, there definitely would have been sadness and disappointment. But when I got pregnant then I was no where near being ready to be a mom and honestly I didn't want to be. I was way more prepared to loose a baby then, but this time was different. I was actually wanting it, really bad. Probably because I already have Toby and I've experienced the crazy connection we have, I felt instantly connected to this new life that was beginning. In other words, the irony is totally not lost on me.

Yes it's true that we'll be able to try again soon. Yes it's true that I will probably be able to have another healthy pregnancy and ultimately have a healthy baby. It's better that it happened early and not when I was further along (that would have been really hard). Yes, those are all true and they do help me look on the upside. But in spite of all that I can't help but be sad because I just want my baby back. I know I will love my next child, but I had a connection to this one and it hurts that I won't get to meet him or her.

If I had to pick a stage in the grieving process I'd say I'm not in denial anymore, I'm not angry, and I'm not quite at a place of acceptance. I'm still numb. Definitely sad.

God is so good though. There is so much love and support around us and it helps a lot. I'm blessed to have an awesome mom who comes over just to be here and help with Toby (I'm still sore and just generally feeling icky). My in-laws are so kind, offering love and encouragement. Derek is a trooper, I know this hasn't been easy for him either. I even got some sweetness from Grace over at Camp Patton. It's a funny story: while I was waiting in the hospital for test results, I was flipping through Instagram and came across something really funny she had posted. I commented that it made me laugh considering where I was. The next day I realized that sounded a little dramatic so I emailed her to tell her what was up. She was so sweet to respond even in the midst of her crazy busy day. If you haven't checked out her blog, you really have no idea what you're missing. Grace is awesome and her kids are ridiculously adorable. Go there now.

Anywhoo, this too shall pass. I believe in God's sovereign plan. I don't know what's next, I'm not really thinking about it. Right now the best thing for me is to take it an hour at a time and try to hold on to hope.